After losing two weekends last month to migraines, I decided to take it easier this time around and not push myself so hard. I still had a few bad days where I had to take my meds, but managed to push through and not cancel any streams because of it. Being faced with such discomfort left a mark though, and by the end of this month I was beginning to question if this whole project was worth doing or not. It got so bad that I didn’t even want to sing one day, and spent the stream just thinking about what I’ve been trying to do.
Here’s the document if you’re interested. .
There were several factors beyond the physical exhaustion that led to this. I got engrossed in a fascinating collection of essays in a book called “The Foundations of Geopolitics” which I likened to a Russian version of Project 2025 written in 1997. It presented a lot of interesting and unique perspectives, several which were entirely new to me. Also, several of the pieces were written by actual ex-national socialists from Germany, so, maybe it’s not so surprising that some ideas were completely foreign. I always find it interesting to consider alternative points of view though. There were some good ideas sprinkled in the unabashedly biased worldviews. I stopped reading Project 2025 at the essay on “The Great Awokening” after deciding there wasn’t going to be anything of substance contained within. Maybe I should grit my teeth and revisit that sometime too.
A central point of contention in Geopolitics was the harsh refutation of Francis Fukuyama’s “The End of History and the Last Man” which of course I had to read afterward as well. I’m at least familiar with the names and essences of traditional philosophy, but haven’t read and digested most of the original works myself, so it was a bit of a journey. Hegel and Nietzsche were the main players, though Hobbes and Locke were invoked as well. I feel like I mostly understood the point, though the reaction from the Russians to it seemed a bit overblown to me. Perhaps it’s because I read the 2nd edition released in 2008 which had some time to revise and reconsider the arguments since the original publication in 1989. Or perhaps it’s because the message simply resonated in my mind that developed deep in the throes of liberal democracy.
I definitely have my critiques of the present state of America. Until starting this project, I kept myself intentionally isolated from world events. I can’t do much to change them, and thus have very little interest in letting whatever is happening out there affect me. However, getting back on social media and trying to intentionally attract attention to interact with people has made me reconsider my position. One conception of the purpose of Art is to distill the essence of the times. Indeed, one cannot escape being a product of the day. And so, I think a responsible thing to do is to define the stance one is taking. Is it better to be a vessel for escapism, or take a stance against injustice and fight to make a better world?
What Do I Want To Say?
When the going gets tough, I find it useful to have some core ideas to fall back on to serve as a source of motivation to overcome the present challenges. Several rather unpleasant comments on some of my youtube shorts successfully discouraged me from being excited to continue sharing my journey. Of course, if you stop that means they win, so I’ve kept going. But now that little red bell icon is a source of anxiety as much as anticipation. Is it a good or a bad alert? It would be so much easier to just stop altogether and not have to see that damned bell ever again. Why am I even doing this anyway?
A core idea in the End of History was modern man’s thymos or need for recognition, dignity, self-worth, or significance. As social creatures, we inherently seek the respect and approval of our fellow man. There’s a whole argument about how the competition over vanity or ideals is a defining trait of being human. All animals will fight for food, mates, or survival. Only Man will fight to the death over a flag. It would seem that along with the impulse to be “productive” that the desire to be “recognized” is also deeply ingrained in me. In my head I feel like I am perfectly fine in solitude, singing for my four walls and not being heard by anyone else. But this idea to turn my camera on and be seen by the world seems to have me caught in its momentum.
The goals of the project up to this point have been targets that I feel like I “should” be aiming for. I should do something, and so the thing I want to do is be a musician. If I want to be a musician I should have an audience. If I want to be a pro, I should make money. Personally, I don’t care about any of that. I enjoy making music for the sake of making music. I have a lot of time to kill, and it feels slightly more rewarding to hone a skill than simply consume all day every day. If I wanted friends, it’d be easier to make them playing video games, instead of pursuing music in my limited physical state. If I wanted money, the amount I would save from not taking singing lessons would vastly outweigh the amount I’ll be able to bring in by doing what I’m doing.
So, why am I doing this? Am I just auto-piloting and giving in to the cultural programming that “one must work or one shall not eat.” Or being motivated by base desires for recognition? Am I truly not as content with being alone as I feel like I am in my mind?
When I get your attention, what do I want to say?
“You can get it if you really want, but you must try, try and try, try and try… you’ll succeed at last!”
This has been my theme song through most of this, but then, what do I really want? Do I want to prove that I can establish a community of people interested in supporting me because of the music I make? That was a dream of mine back in college when I played in an indie rock band, and it appears to still be my goal today. Do I want to be able to stay with confidence, yes, this too can be yours if you try hard enough.
I don’t know. That doesn’t sound quite right. I don’t like the idea that “if only things were different then I could feel okay.” If you want to feel okay, the superior approach is to learn to be ok with how things are now. I learned to do this through my period of constant pain because there was no escape. All I could do was learn to be ok with not feeling ok. Feelings are just feelings. You can feel any way that you want to, at any time that you want to, if you’re willing to try and try. Hedonism is not a noble pursuit. Likewise, vanity is not worth the effort either. Is a vessel for escapism, like all my favorite anime, the most I can aspire to?
If you have a choice, I would say it’s better to be internally satisfied without the need for validation from others. Instead of seeking approval from external sources and making your feelings of self worth dependent on that, why not seek to be fully satisfied by your efforts? That is, I am happy playing music for myself. Waiting for the approval of others to be happy with my efforts is annoying. But every time I turn the camera on, there I am waiting for the approval of others. Every post I make I’m hoping that the red bell is a pat on the back, not a kick in the shin. I wake up in the morning and hope that my subscriber count has gone up. I don’t like it.
Another factor influencing this disdain is that I’ve mostly given up on BlueSky and TikTok, and made new accounts on Facebook and Instagram. Its vanity turned up to 11. It feels like an endless feed of healthy people doing happy things, unhealthy people pretending to be happy, and advertisers reaching for your wallet. I hate it. I need a serious motivation to push through the distaste and make an honest attempt to establish myself on those platforms. I’m at a loss as to how to proceed. I don’t see myself forming the connections I’m seeking through those channels. Youtube and Twitch at least gives me ways to chat with people in real time and learn about who is watching. I want to meet humans. I’m not interested in being a friend of the algorithms.
Ultimately I have nothing I want to say. I don’t want to accomplish anything. As nice as it would be to “get better,” holding out hope for if and when that day ever comes just throws me deeper into depression, so I’ve learned to be ok with being not ok. It’s ok. If it happens, great, if not, great. I have an opinion on how you should live your life, but little desire to impose that on you or profess to lead by example using mine. Just as I’m ok exactly as I am right now, you are perfectly fine too. If you want to get better, get better. If not, don’t. I want to get better at singing, and so I sing.
My hometown burned to the ground a few years ago. Maybe my home country will self-immolate soon enough here too. Whatever. There are games to play, anime to watch, and music to learn. Whatever happens it seems I’ll be in bed playing ukulele.