I need a break, so I’m taking a break. I’m going to be taking some time off to reassess my streaming schedule and approach. Right now I’m thinking about going live maybe once or twice a week, and spending more time in the Uke Tribe’s Woodshed for anyone who wants to hang out or listen to some proper practice.
Proper practice is the stuff that happens in the background to make music seem magical. It’s become clear to me (and upon the continued insistence of my voice coach) that I need to put a lot of focused work into learning to sing songs off of sheet music. I need to know what notes I’m singing. I thought I just needed to sing more, but now I know I need to be more intentional with what I’m singing.
I don’t mind spending a half hour working the same phrase until I can land it perfectly every time. Putting that out there for other people to watch though, I’m not sure. Unless you’re a musician as well, I can’t imagine it would be very interesting. And if you are a musician, go practice on your own instead of watching me!
I’ve been pretending like I’ve been singing for my whole life and can effortlessly pick up songs on the fly, but in truth its only been a little over a year since I started taking it seriously. The ease of picking up new songs is due to me not actually singing the tunes and just going with whatever “feels right,” which wouldn’t be a problem if what I felt was right was actually right, but my ears are not actually developed enough for that yet.
I want to be like those guys who’ve been doing it for decades, only, I haven’t been doing it that long. The plan was fake it till you make it, but now that I know a better way, I feel compelled to pursue it. It’s incredibly helpful to have a teacher be able to listen to you and say directly: that’s not it, you can do better. I want to do better.
Being entertaining is different than being a good musician. Well, I guess that’s arguable, but in my view that musical ability is a different set of skills than stage presence. Being on stream includes crowd work, taking on random requests, being able to adapt on the fly to what you think the people listening want to hear. That’s quite different than practicing hitting the right notes in just the right way.
I’ve learned a ton about being in front of the camera and trying to entertain from the time I’ve spent streaming this year, and I feel a lot more confident about just playing in front of people now. The nervousness of going live has largely faded after doing it every day, so now I think it’ll be in my best interest to change my approach and focus more on improving the quality of my product .
When learning about entrepreneurship, there was an important concept called a “pivot.” Sometimes it becomes necessary to rethink ones course of action and change directions to better attain the goal. On one hand, there are cases where you stop digging a meter before striking gold. On the other, maybe there’s no gold to be had at all and we should be looking elsewhere. How does one decide?
In my case, I was asked to fill out a survey about my condition for the doctor at Stanford that insurance refuses to continue sending me to. In it I realized that my constant fatigue after streaming was probably related to my condition. I’ve been telling myself since the beginning of the year that the exhaustion was just a physical limit because I’ve been pretty sedentary for so long, and holding on to the hope that I would get used to it. I thought it was one of those things like when you start jogging its pretty rough, but eventually you get into the groove once it becomes a habit.
But after 10 months and an objective review of just how fatigued I’ve been all the time, I think its time to let go of that hope. Part of the impetus was because I was waiting for one more operation that could possibly get me fixed and upright again, so I wanted to prepare for that day. I wanted to get as much experience playing “in front of people” as I could, and basically hammer out the nervousness of playing live.
That much I think I’ve accomplished. After playing every weekday in front of my camera for almost a year, the fear of messing up in public has greatly diminished. At the start, whenever people would pop in, send a few chats, then disappear, the interaction would stick with me for days and I’d mull over what I could have done better. That happens much less now, but its still only been a year, and I’m far from up to par – not anything like someone who has been getting up on stage regularly their whole life. Good enough that I’m more or less comfortable with people watching and hearing my play though.
It’s still a little different playing to people in the same room as me, but after a few songs most of that tension melts away. I’d like to get more experience playing in rooms and with other people, but my physical limitations really make that pretty difficult. For now this desire has to go in the ” if it happens it happens” box instead of the “lets make this a goal we achieve no matter what” one.
Since the operation to get me upright again fizzled out and there isn’t much hope for that kind of thing on the horizon, the pressure to be prepared to go outside and play has been released. Further, my attempts to actually go outside and play have been rewarded with a week-long malaise from overexertion. The two times I went to the beach to play uke were successful, but it took over a week for me to feel normal again afterward. It was pretty intense. The days that followed were basically spent zoning out, and it was really rough to get through the next weeks streams. Not fun.
A constant theme on my journey is though the mind may be willing, the body is often not. Life is best for me when I listen to my body. The consequences are pretty severe if I don’t. Every now and then I try to test the limits and push myself, and well, I just described what happens when I go outside. So, it seems the vision of going out to play poolside for the tourists probably isn’t going to be happening until some major change happens. And that’s ok.
What am I trying to do, anyway?
When the going gets tough, the goal is what should keep you pushing through. Is what you want to achieve worth the effort? What are the steps, however challenging, to create the outcome you desire? I’ve spent several of these monthly reviews discussing my difficulty with formulating a clear destination for my journey. That’s fine, when you don’t know, the goal can be to figure out what the goal should be.
The main goal has always been to become a better musician. One of my biggest issues was a lack of experience being the front person who stands center stage and runs the show. Another issue was that I hadn’t really sung in front of other people very much before. Music is a social activity, and I felt like this aspect of my skill set was very lacking. So I turned my camera on and sang for whoever stopped by.
Increasing the subscriber count of the YouTube channel was an objective measure of finding people interested in the music I was making. I tried many different approaches to finding new people: learned about streaming culture, dabbled in several social media platforms, and of course just kept showing up consistently in my little corner to perform. I am relatively satisfied with the results, though I had to give up on many promising ideas because I couldn’t physically or mentally handle it.
If the goal was only to get more subscribers, I definitely could have done more and done better. Part of changing the amount of time I’m going to spend streaming live is to allow more energy to be spent on promotional activities. Being thoroughly exhausted all the time meant I couldn’t follow through on things like making new videos, shorts, or participating in social media. I still don’t like social media much, but as someone literally constrained to my bed, it is the most obvious way for me to find “my people.”
Since the goal is to be a better musician, being better at making the music itself seems like a good priority for me. I personally enjoy a bit of punk ethos, singing out of key and just making noise – making unforgettable experiences with music. But then I also desire to be a bit more refined. I greatly appreciate the craft of making music, all the details that go in to how you play or sing or choose what notes and chords to use.
I’ve spent most of this year in the first category, saying screw it I’m gonna sing and if you don’t like it, go away. Now I’m thinking I want to spend more time developing my technical skills. Sing in tune, sing the right notes, and get better at adapting sheet music for ukulele. I’ve also been struggling with making solos and instrumental breaks, and I expect this more focused work to help improve that too. Trying hard is fun.
My problem is that I have enough fun on my own that I’m liable to not bother with that whole playing music for other people part of the equation. Some people really enjoy the attention and thrill of being up on stage, but I’m more happy finding satisfaction in a job well done after its over. That satisfaction of a result of my internal monitoring, based on if I did all the things I set out to do. A positive reaction from the audience is just a bonus to a job well done.
That’s why having a consistent schedule worked well for me: it wasn’t about wanting to play in front of the camera, it just what I was going to do, so I did it. I’m not trying to be famous, I just want to be better at making music. The best idea I could come up with on my own was to throw myself out there and grind away at my stage fright while I expanded my repertoire. I figure any practice is better than no practice. Every experience helps one improve.
After working with a professional coach, I have been shown a path that promises to elevate my abilities beyond what I could have imagined on my own, and so now is the time to take those lessons to heart and put in the energy to reach that higher plane. For those interested in that process, I am still planning to broadcast my practice sessions on the Uke Tribe Discord, but those will be strictly practice sessions. I’ll probably be open to answer questions and chill and chat or take requests, but if I’m working on something specific I may also just choose to say no and stay focused.
For now, I’m going to take the next week off, and decide how often I want to live stream moving forward through the holiday season. I kind of wanted to keep streaming through the end of the year just to say I did it, but I’m just so tired of being tired all the time that I’m getting over it. So, better to stop now before I burn out completely and just walk away. Updates will be posted on the front page.
Thanks for sticking around. The journey continues!